Seeing day by day passing, week by week.. I feel hopeless. My parents are getting older. As their daughter, being the eldest, I wish to support them, help them, advise them on things. I have many things to comment;eg on their daily activities. Eg, their eating habits; to remind them to take in less unhealthy food etc. And my brother, he's still so young. I'm not a good elder sis. I didn't offer him or teach him things about life. Instead, they are all worrying about me like i'm a newborn. With my present situation, I face the incapability.. I lost my ability on many things. Am I giving myself all these 'unnecessary and maybe untrue' problems? At times it seem true that there might not be any problem but yet sometimes it seemed true. Not only am I incapable of doing my duty as a daughter, but I'm worrying them at the same time. Everyone around me cares yet I can't find any clue to what is happening to me; to my body, to my mind, eyes and soul. While time freezes around me,seriously.. the people I love around me have to get on with their daily "must" activities and aging.. Just now when my mum told me to bathe, I suddenly remembered myself as a being, in a physical entity. I simply just forgotten about it. I dunno why but time just freezes in my head and body I can't feel. But I'm not giving up. I dunno how much longer I have to fight for this, I don't know if I will even succeed and get out of this. or fall deeper.. If I ever really become mad.. i just want my family and love ones and friends to know that i love them and really trying to be the best i can. Prehaps my expectations for myself is really too high.. I dunno.. sometimes i really feel inexistence..Wanted to go for some brain scan but my dad didn't want. I know he just maybe indirectly wanted me to know that I'm just self-putting all these into my mind and that i'm still young and healthy. Suddenly i feel v old..

Labels: all i want is to be the best i can to provide care to my family and love ones.. but as time passes, i seem to become worst instead..